Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days