i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
