Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.