I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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