so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
