Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
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what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
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i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.