You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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