Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.