Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
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Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.