Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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