I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.