I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense