Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
