what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
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I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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