I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.