The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
