You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.