Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor