i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section