Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
