I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
