I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.