I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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