I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.