also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."