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I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
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