Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
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Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
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They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.