no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.