There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick