I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911