so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
