I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.