I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
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Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
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hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.