She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
