Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.