I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We just shotgunned beers for America