I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dating After Heartbreak
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...