Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?