I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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