You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both