You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.