Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office