Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
