We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
