He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.