he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.