When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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