University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.