Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."