Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
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Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
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I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall