You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.