Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.