When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.