someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
