You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
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Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
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If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..